The angel wore fangs: Chapter two (part one)

I've gotten actual emails wanting an update, calm down people it's only been a few hours. But whatever, can't sleep so might as well do something with my time besides hassling my friends.

Chapter two starts off with the 'breakfast in Transylvania (Pennsylyvania)' menu... This... This is going to be a theme in this book isn't it?
UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Whatever, we now learn that it's July 9th and Cnut (our worthless Jarl viking from the prologue is riding a Harley, guess he's one of those vampire/angel's that know how to move with the time? Good for him!

So we learn that Cnut has named his bike Hugo... For some reason, and has modified it so he can fit even though he's lost all his weight from when he was a useless heathen viking, yet still feels fat because he must have some sort of insecurity right?!

Blah blah, talking about bikes or something boring, we do learn that Cnut STILL doesn't care what people think about him, so I guess there's that?

We then get some Americanised bullshit that I can't relate to, something about choosing between Poconose or Jersey Shore (I know there was a drunken Italian 'reality show' based there) before thinking that the annual reckoning is serious business and that he'll head straight to where ever he is heading.

Cnut goes on to wonder if he should be examining his conscious in preparation, then figures there is no point at Micheal keeps meticulous records of his transgressions.

Uh... Wasn't Cnut 'promoted' to vampire angel to you know... Atone for his sins? If he is still causing 'transgressions' shouldn't that... You know... Cancel out the agreement or something??

  Right so apparently it's three hours between Cnuts Philadelphia apartment and the place he is heading in Transylvania. Now, I know Cnut is now a vampire/angel and probably has better padding then an average slob of a human. But riding a motorbike for long distances SUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKS I should know! I did a 7hr round trip with a friend and my arse hurt so freaking bad afterwards I didn't even want to LOOK at my bike for a week afterwards! Hell I was getting sore just after 2hours! The views were completely worth it though! Seriously, if you're ever in Queensland, Australia check out the Blackall range, lots of good views and nice touristy places to check out.

But back to the story! The Vengal headquarters is some random castle (Wait.. Transylvania as in ROMANIA? Did... I... What? Does Cnut's magic bike ride over water? And... Isn't it more the an 8hr travel from America?! Is.. Is there a Transylvania IN America that I missed?! ) that Cnut's brother Viker brought of a crazy lumberjack a century or two ago.
So... All his brothers got recruited into this random vampire/angel demon/ISIS hunting job? And no one questions why there are brothers who don't age??

Cnut then thinks that the town near the castle is a touristy place, something involving vampires for some reason before we get this...

Cnut ran his tongue over his own set of fangs, which were retracted at the moment. Otherwise, they'd probably have dead bugs on them, like windshields. Fat and buggy, that's all he needed! Truely, one thousand, one hundred and sixty-six years, and he still wasn't use to the things. Like a cock, they sometimes had a mind of their own.

Whatever, Cnut goes on to think that even with his physical improvement  unlike his brothers, he isn't vain (random flip from the last time we saw this lot right?) and that vikings in general were vain... I'd say probably more stubborn, but whatever, and that his wolfish teeth were sometimes a form of embarrassment for him.

REALLY? REALLY? WHY? Why would a viking warrior be ashamed of looking frightening?! They went out of their way to make their boats look terrifying!
(Also random issue I just thought of in the prologue, horses in viking times *unless near or in England/Europe* were rare and hard to come by, so I'm not sure why Cnut had so many horses unless he was actually based in that area)

And then goes on to think that Micheal still holds distain for Vikings (so he DOES care what people think!) Cnut then heads up the 'seven mountains' and gets stuck behind some Amish people, thinking that fangs and farms being together is strange yet still work well together, even though the nearest town is full of vampire wannabes.

WHY IS THAT SANDRA?!  I'm pretty sure not ALL of Transylvania is full of vampire tourist traps, why this town? Is there a legend? Is because the Vengals' are located there and have vampire members? GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK OFF HERE?!

OH! So there IS a Transylvania, Pennsylvania but according to google Transylvania is actually located in Louisiana which is a different state? And if this IS located in America, why the fuck is there a castle there? America was colonised WAY after the castle age... Basically, what the fuck is happening I'm so freaking confused right now!

MOVING ON!

Ok so we do learn that the townsfolk think that the Vengal are vampire wannabes and will turn the castle into some sort of hotel or resort, have to admit that's not a bad cover if intentional.
We now learn that Cnut fully expects Jasper the 'king' of Lucipires... I'm... I'm going to assume for now that Lucipires are Lycanthrope vampires and....

Blah, blah, blah, garlic doesn't actually harm vampires in this universe, before going on about what Cnut likes garlic with (I guess vampire/angels can eat 'normal' food?) before saying it doesn't matter as he just LOVES food, because he was fat get it?!

You know, I'm starting to think that Sandra's dream isn't to be an author of a weird book, it's to be some sort of cook or chief as even Cnut is obsessed with food network unlike other pleb men which obsess over porn instead (Don't do it Sandra, I was a cook *and a decent one at that* for ten years and the abuse/long hours/usually shit pay just isn't worth it!*)

Oh she even throws a 50 shades of grey reference in here randomly! (a restaurant called 50 shades of blood... Because THAT'S a place I'D wanna check out right?!)

Two waitresses drool over his bike and/or leathers... He's riding a freaking Harley! They're not that good of a bike people! Have you SEEN a sports bike in your life? Now THAT'S sexy!

The Green one is mine.

So Sandra is clearly a fan of the that TV show 'Vikings' which... Would explain a lot, as she goes on to describe our hearing as wearing the hair doo of the main character from that show. You know, shaved on the sides with the braid/dreadlock thing happening?

Yeah, this!

Cnut goes on to think that his brothers think it's a type of vanity on his behalf (I'm sensing a theme here) but he think's it's practical for a fighting man (shave it off you wimp!) and that it suits him so they can go fuck themselves!

Cnut goes onto mention that he nods at the 20yr old waitresses, one of them makes an obvious 'come hither' reference and since Cnut doesn't want to get blasted by Micheal (even though he doesn't care what people think of him remember!) He merely smiles and moves on.

Right so he moves up the mountain... And then opens an app and types in a password while on a bike? Sandra has never been on a motorbike in her life has she? If I was going up a mountain (most of those paths are windy as fuck!) I would NOT be taking my eyes off the road is what I'm saying. Granted I'm also not a vampire/angel so pfffft, whatever.

Cnut goes to park in the underground parking space, but a note has been stuck to the entrance stating that the space is full and everyone else should park outside... Dude... You're one a bike, just find a decently sized spot and you'll be fine!

He goes on to think that everyone must be here already, and his own crew won't arrive till around noon (sunlight doesn't affect vamps in this universe?) and that they won't be needed till then anyways so whateves right?

Looking around Cnut looks at the added on luxuries, pool, gazebo, patio etc. Finding it doubtful that Micheal would have authorised such things... Seriously, is Cnut a 'fuck everyone and their option' person or a 'let me brown nose the boss' person? I'm getting some conflicting feelings here!

We learn that the first person Cnut meets when entering the castle is Lizzy Borden, and makes a big deal out of it... *Dramatic sigh, goes to google* OH! So she's some sort of axe murderer who killed her father and step mother in Massachusetts 1892... WHO THE FUCK WOULD KNOW THAT?! Whatever, she's now a vampire for some reason.

... Wait, so vampires eat normal food? It was implied that all Vengals are vampires yet there's a bustling kitchen preparing actual food here!

WHAT ARE THE RULES IN THIS UNIVERSE?!

But... There's also 'fake-o' (can anyone say true blood rip off?) but instead of this synthetic blood being created by the Japanese to save lives, it was created by Sigurd (Cnut's brother) and tastes like curdled horse piss, but it sufficed to satisfy the vangel need for the real thing between missions.

   But then Cnut grabs some bacon strips off a plate and eats them thinking that its' awesome, before he notices he's eaten half the plate, but stops because he has to resist temptation...

Cnut then moves through the castle, hearing children cartoons on and thinking that the kids must be up and that you wouldn't think vangels were sterile from the sounds of the kids running around, this place also has a chapel, computer room and Vikars office though Micheal isn't wondering around yet...

I legit feel like I'm constantly being fed random, useless crumbs of information regarding this world and it's bloody frustrating as hell!

Goddamn there's another 10 or so pages to go so I'm going to stop here for now because no, just fucking no.

Blue moon: Chapter four (part two)

Righto, so when we last left this rascally band of idiots. Jason, Cherry and Zane were moving/snarking about the luggage, Nate was laying on top of a coffin bitching at Anita that she never got around to watching his pornos...

Well, this should be an interesting half chapter... Letsa go!

Nate seems legit shocked that Anita never watched any of his porno vids (why is that something you'd gift to your supposed leader anyways? That's just... Weird)

Anita then notices that Nate has his hair held back with a silver clasp and asks him about it as silver apparently burns Lyans' in this universe.
Nate shrugs and says that it does burn, Anita snarks that pain makes the world go round or some shit before pointing out that even though Nate is only 19 he seems older as he's seen some shit y'all.

Jamil is asked if they have a car, turns out he brought a van and gets all huffy when asked to help load up, pointing out that once Richard has found a new Lupa he won't be forced to take Anita's shit anymore.

Uh... Why is Anita still Lupa of this pack? What? Richard can't fire her ass until he gets a new one? That's a stupid rule, from what I remember Lupa's aren't exactly an important aspect of the pack (Think first lady as females apparently aren't allowed to become alpha in this world)

Anita points out that until she is replaced he has to take her shit, and that this isn't shit. He'll know when she's giving him shit. Jamil just laughs then goes to help move the luggage.
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS EXCHANGE?!

Nate asks what they want him to do as everyone else moves towards the van with their shit. Anita tells him to put his shirt back on and stay with the coffins. Nate points out that he's had people pay good money for him to get semi naked. Anita snarks that she's not one of them, and holy hell Nate is just a younger more anime type Phillip from the first book!

Wow, so it turns out that even though Nate is working full time as a stripper, Anita is still paying for his apartment so he won't turn tricks to make ends meet. Bitching that he must be bad with money because the others seem to make it fine.

Well.. He's not going to learn if you keep coddling him Anita, I know it's been mentioned that Nate has had a shit life so far, but you can't hold his damn hand forever.

The van was large, black, and looked sinister. The sort of thing serial killers drive in made-for-TV movies. Serial killers did drive vans in real life, but they tended to be pale colours with rust spots.

Hahahaha, what? That's just... Wow... Just fucking wow... Way to stereotype there LKH, so much for your realism in your books huh? If this was true finding serial killers would be as simple as looking out for pale rusted out vans! Why do the police struggle so?!

Blah blah, talk about who sits where in the van and some landscape description before Jamil asks if she prefers to be dropped off at the cabins or police station first.

Anita asks about the cabins feeling relieved that they're not 'rustic' you know, they have power, indoor plumping and the like though apparently the interior isn't all that great, she also states that she'd prefer to go straight to the cop shop.

We then get a random tangent about how Cherry isn't wearing her seatbelt and how Anita's mum would still be alive if she'd worn hers. Then she tells Cherry that they're acting human on this trip so being flung through a windshield and shrugging it off would blow their cover... Seems like that's something they should have been briefed about either back in St. Louis or on the plane, or is Anita literally making this all up as she goes along??

Cherry bitches that she should have been informed of this as she would have dressed differently to blend in, Anita apologises and states that she only just thought of it. So she IS just making this up as they go along... Professionalism!!

Jamil asks if she wants them to wait outside the station for her, she says no as they stand out to much, Jamil then asks how she's going to get back to the cabins as this town doesn't have taxis' or something? Whatever, they end up agreeing to go to the cabins first before Anita goes to the station with the van and Jason.

Anita then asks why everyone is being all cautious about her not being alone... Uh, isn't that something we've already covered? Didn't they point out that if something happens to her they will most likely be killed? 

Anita bullies Cherry into admitting exactly that, Anita states that she doesn't understand so the others literally have to spell it out for her because she's a smart heroine!

We then get a FASCINATING conversation about how Jamil can't be a bodyguard to two people, then they have to explain to the others WHY he can't guard to people and holy hell literally nobody cares!

We then learn that the leopards have her as a leader because she can protect them (somehow) and not the other way around, Anita agrees thinking that she picked them not for security but because they'll let the vamps comp on their delicious, tasty blood.

Anita then makes like a five year old and chucks a stampy because she didn't agree to this damnit! 

Jamil gets all up in Anita's grill rightfully telling her that she'll get them all killed as even though she's the toughest person he's ever had the glory of looking at, she's merely human and literally everyone out to kill her isn't.

Jamil basically tells her to swallow her pride and let them guard her (fucking hell Anita, let these people guard you! It's not just your life you have to be worried about here!) She declines and they have a scuffle.  

Long story short Anita wins because she cheats and pulls a gun (after slicing his arm with a knife because most wolf fights end when first blood is drawn) 

Blah blah, they bicker back and forth about how she tots could have killed Jamil instead of bleeding and holding a gun on him. Jamil rightfully points out that if he was actually willing to kill her she'd be dead and that she's still only human and weak as fuck next to the supernatural in this world.

Anita then starts thinking about how Jamil is a good person at Richards back and she'd hate to kill him, but killing doesn't bother her as much as it used to. (That's worded like it's a good thing, personally I'd take it as a sign of a very, very bad thing. But whatever right?)

Jamil relaxes and states that she really would kill him, Anita agrees that she would. Jamil then stands and accepts that Anita is his lupa and outranks him, she's naturally fairly pissed that this was all part of some form of pissing contest.

Zane points out that without her weapons Anita wouldn't have stood a chance, she gets all pissed off and asks if that was a threat (holy fuckballs women, take that stick out of your ass) Zane raises his hands and says it was merely an observation.

Before Anita can start beating down on her allies for pointing out a legit problem, a stranger ambles over asking if there's a problem. He comes to a halt and raises his hands as Anita points her gun at him... Uh... Don't you guys have laws regarding people waving a weapon around? How does she still hold her licence?!

Whatever, this is Verne, he's the owner of the cabins and the local Ulfric (Alpha) Verne, Anita and Jamil have a small conversation that really isn't interesting at all, then we're graced with this.

Verne laughed. He had one of those deep, rolling chuckles that matched his gravelly voice. "No wonder Richard's been having such a hard time finding a replacement for you. You are a solid, cast-iron, ball-busting bitch."

Anita thinks that she's going to take it as a compliment, and that she's not here to make friends but to save Richard and stay alive. Bitch for some reason strikes her as the best attitude to have to accomplish this.

Whatever, chapter's over thank fuck!

The Angel wore fangs: Chapter one

For some reason this chapter starts off with a 'La Chic Sardine Pastry Menu' Why??

"ISIS? Why would any women in her right mind join that Militant group?" Andrea Stewart remarked skeptically into the cell phone she had propped between the crook of her ear and raised shoulder. Her hands were free to stir the chocolate ganache to be spread atop the Opera Cake she was preparing for tonight's dessert menu at Le Chic Sardine.

I legit can't think of a worst way to open this chapter, holy fuckballs, I'm bored already!

UUUGGGGHHH, it continues on about the goddamn cake! We also learn that this is taking place in Philadelphia. Right so Andrea is talking to her step-mum, who is bitching about the fact that Andrea's younger sister is now wearing a red burqa...

So I just did a quick google search, Burqas have to be either black or dark blue from what I can see, something to do with modesty. (Correct me if this is wrong)

Andrea is surprised by this as her sister was all about skimpy clothes before, the mother gets all borderline racist and says that she gets hot just looking at burqas and... Right, heat 101. Long sleeves, pants and covered face act as shade basically. So as along as it's loose clothing you'll actually be cooler dressed head to toe, then if you were walking around in nothing but budgie smugglers. The only time I've seen this not work is when you live in humidity (which sadly enough I do) because well... It's humid, no matter what you wear you feel like you've just gotten out of the shower and not in a 'oh that was a cool refreshing break' type either.

Whatever, Andrea then mentally tells us that Philadelphia is going through an unusual heatwave, but someone called Darla would have the AC running, she then wonders if Darla is having menopause at 45... But, you just said it's hot, why wouldn't she have the AC running full blast?

Andrea did a mental Snoopy dance of glee. There is a God! But that was nasty. Darla didn't mean to be such and insensitive dingbat. She was just clueless.

What the hell is going on? Darla is her step-mum? Ok, that's sorted.. But why is Andrea doing a happy snoopy dance because she might have menopause? Is she eagerly awaiting for this women to die? Pleased she can't have more kids? What is happening?!

 Andrea is apparently against tattoos and piercings, as she comments that Celie (sister) has 17 tattoos at her last count (her first tat was a tramp stamp at 13, keep up the classiness Sandra) and a bunch of ear, facial and possibly elsewhere piercings. She keeps bitching that Celie wasn't thinking when she got all this done and that she's on a continual quest to find herself.

Wow, this is a lot of shitting all over a character we'll probably never even meet. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!

We then learn that Darla was 35 when she married Andrea's 50yr old father (Howard) Andrea was 14 at the time and Celie was 4. All riveting stuff let me tell you.

Andrea now moves to shitting all over Darla who is a Zumba instructor with no parenting skills and clearly thought she'd landed a sugar daddy when she met their father, a successful stockbroker. who was brilliant when it came to the market and dumb as a Dow Jones clunker when it came to women.

She then goes on to point out that Darla probably didn't realise that her gravy train came with two kids who were you know, kids and made her life oh so hard and stuff.

We then learn it's only 9am, the restaurant doesn't open till 5pm, but the other workers will be trailing in soon and Andrea needs to get off the phone and back to work.
Wait, wait... What sort of restaurant needs 8hrs of prep done before it opens?! Goddamn get your shit in order.

Andrea asks how Darla knows it's actually Celie in the video if her face is covered, Darla response that Celie sent her the video (Or she thinks it was from Celie... What?) where she's going on about Allah, how evil the USA is, yadda yadda.

"... She has black eyebrows. What is her natural hair colour, anyway? Oh, that's right. Blonde, like yours"

Holy fuck is that hamfisted, also what's with the comma abuse?! Did I pick up a LKH book by mistake or something?

Celie is average height and has curves, Andrea is genetically thin, doesn't gain weight and if she didn't work with calories she'd probably fade out of existence. Ugh.

Celie changes her hair colour and style constantly, Andrea has had the same ponytail since high school, Celie is adventurous, Andrea doesn't even like rollercoasters, Celie has many lovers in her 19yrs, Andrea has had two in 29. Celie is always travelling, Andrea is a workaholic who wants to open her own pastry shop You know, all the usual WAH I'M SO DIFFERENT AND BORING AND PREFECT thing Mary Sues are fond of.

Seriously, how did we go from Vikings to this? 

Blah blah, Andrea points out that she thought Celie was in Jamaica and signed up to some cult involving being half naked and thinking that world peace will follow global warming (... What?)

Darla replies that, that was last year. 

Andrea casually thinks that Celie is one for joining cults, but you know, the harmless ones.

This year Celie has a boyfriend, Darla points out that he's A-rab (not sure why it's spelt this way) Or maybe he's Mexican or Egyptian as they all look the same to her. Wow.

We then learn his name is Kahlil, like the poet Kahlil Gibran and that Darla loves his poems. Andrea thinks that talk to her step-mum is like trying to catch popcorn from an unlidded pot. Here, there, all over the place.

Kahlil Ajam attended some dinner party Howard threw for some big client of his, I'm skipping all the random tangents Darla goes on, I get what Sandra is trying to do here. But holy hell is it annoying to read, and I don't think anyone is really that easily distracted, but whatever.

Kahlil was apparently all uptight because alcohol was being served.. Because he can't understand that not everyone follows his beliefs? 
Whatever, he talked Celie into coming with him to Montana to check out a Muslim 'church' called "Circle of light"
Turns out Darla hired a PI to follow them, Andrea's boss walks into the kitchen and seems pretty chilled that her employee is chatting on the phone instead of actually working, Andrea holds up five fingers to indicate that she'll be off soon and that Darla apparently has no issue with calling her multiple times during her shift or something... OH so the boss attended culinary school with Andrea and they're friends ok.

Andrea tells Darla that she has to go, but can drop by later if Darla wants to fill her in without the rude interruptions of unimportant things like work and such.
Andrea hangs up and Sonja (her boss) grins and asks what the evil step mum has done this time to get her riled up.

She's riled up? Seemed mildly irritated at most from Darla having the attention span of a 8wk old puppy, but hardly 'riled up'

Andrea casually tells her that Celie has gone to a dude ranch in Montana and signed up with a cult that has ties to ISIS, you know... Nothing to get worried about or whatever, those wacky 19 year olds and their terrorist obsession. Pah.

Andrea randomly wonders if you can even ride a horse in a robe, and isn't it weird that ISIS is recruiting out of a DUDE ranch (Uh... They're not really recruiting OUT of the ranch, they're clearly brainwashing them there you moron) and that clearly Darla wants her to ride to the rescue and save the day.

I love how put out she seems by this, like Celie just broke down a state over and needs someone to pick her up or something. Also, also, aren't you a pastry chief? What does she expect you to do? Kill them via cake or something?

Ugh, whatever. Chapter is over, this book might actually be harder to get through then Anita Blake, at least they can be funny in their badness, this... This is just bad, painfully bad. 

Circus of the damned: chapter 2

The man's body lay on it's back, pale and naked in the weak morning sunlight. Even limp in death his body was good, a lot of weights, maybe jogging. His longish yellow hair mixed with the still-green lawn.

Ugh how I've missed these weirdly non-specific descriptions! It's just great to be back!

Right so the dead guy has apparently been murdered by vampires, Anita can tell because he has fang marks on his neck and right elbow. His left wrist has been mangled so badly that she can see bone.

To prove that Anita tots needs to be at the crime scene, she measures out the teeth marks and finds out that they're different. She goes on to say that three vamps were involved, but right after says five... Even though there are only three obvious wounds on the body... Ok? 

Oh and a group of vamps doesn't actually have a technical name, as Anita points out ... A master and his pack, or flock, or whatever the hell you call a group of vampires.

Randomly she then natters on about the grass being wet and what she's wearing, she also mentions that she doesn't wear white nikes anymore as the blood showed up too easily or some shit.

Anita then spreads the bodies legs, thinking that rigor mortis hasn't set in yet so the body is less then 8hrs old.

Well I just did A quick google search and that tells me that rigor mortis sets in around 2-8hrs, full rigor kicks in around 8-12 which lasts up to 18 hours. So really he could have already gone though rigor and just been dumped here.

We then learn that the corpse has semen on his groin and that there is a another bite mark on his upper thigh, while not as bad as the wrist it's still not exactly neat. 

There's no blood on or around the corpse, Anita wonders if they cleaned it all up (uh... If they're drinking from him, why would there be a lot of blood lying around?) 

And then thinks that if they could find out where he actually died they could find more clues and shit. 

Ah ok then, so he WAS dumped here, which means pretty much everything Anita has told us is useless as she doesn't know when he died, or even how he died yet she's leaping to all sorts of conclusions.

Bad investigator, no cookies!

Sigh, so now we learn that there is a low mist, what the house looks like, that this is taking place in October... You know, things that could have organically been mentioned elsewhere instead of lumped together in a large useless block of text.

We learn that while it's too early for most people to have left for school or work, it's not early enough for them not to be gawking at the corpse. Cops and the yellow tape is clearly the only thing holding them back from rushing over and poking the body with sticks.

A boy of about twelve had managed to push his way to the front. He stared at the dead man with huge brown eyes, his mouth open in a little "wow" of excitement. God, where were his parents? Probably gawking at the corpse, too.

Wow, her distain fairly oozes off the page. And well yeah, tell me one person who wouldn't come out to see what the fuss is all about? There's a reason life savers on our beaches call a circle of people around an injured or dying person the 'circle of death' 

People are naturally attracted to anything that is different from the humdrum of average life.

WAIT! 

The next paragraph she goes on about how the body is paper-white and that all the blood has blood at the bottom of the body... Only to then go on and claim that due to the lack of blood in said body no bruising or lividity marks BECAUSE WHOEVER KILLED HIM DRAINED HIM OF ALL HIS BLOOD!

One or the other Anita, one or the fucking other!

Good to the last drop? I fought the urge to smile and lost. If you spend a lot of time staring at corpses, you get a peculiar sense of  humour. You have to, or you will go stark raving mad.

The goddam 'humour' in these books, gods I've forgotten how funny this series is...

Whatever, Zerbrowski wonders over to see what's so funny. Anita scolds him for sneaking up on her, he jokes about the big bad vampire hunter jumping at shadows. We learn that his hair is uncombed, tie not done up properly and looks to be wearing what looks suspiciously like PJ top under his suit, you know. The height of professionalism, I get that it's implied that he was called out of bed for this job, but you'd think as a cop he'd be use to this sort of shit. Hell, I'M use to being on call and rushing out the door and I'm no cop.

They 'banter' back and forwards a bit, you know. The hight of comedy that this series is and then we get this...

He shrugged. "I've got a pair with little choo-choos on them. Katie thinks they're sexy."

"Your wife got a thing for trains?" I asked.

His grin widened. "If I'm wearing 'em." 

I shook my head. "I knew you were perverted, Zerbrowski, but little kids' jammies, that's just sick."

No LKH, just... No.

Whatever, Anita asks him where Dolph is, Zerbrowski replies that he's in the house with the lady who found the body. Commenting that she's taking it pretty hard and this is probably the first body she's seen outside of a funeral.

It's annoying how characters in this series seems to get such a huge kick out of looking down on other people. Of course she's shook up, there's a naked dead man on her lawn! I know my day would be completely ruined if I walked out to that.

They have a bit of a back and forth about how it'd be nice to be normal, before Zerbrowski continues with his professionalism by pulling out a piece of crumbled paper he was using instead of his notebook.

Now, I'm no American, and I'm no cop. But I DO know that those notepads cops have are actually legal documents that are used in court. It's the same setup security guards use, all pages are numbered, no skipped lines and you're not allowed to erase anything, everything must be written in pen, one line through a mistake with your initials above it. You'll be surprised at what the defence will try and claim to make your notebook non-compliant. 

As he's taking Anita's professional statement here, could you imagine trying to hold this up in court? I dunno, maybe your cops and legal system is crazy different to ours.. Well, more so then I thought anyways.

Anita bitches that she doesn't want to have to repeat herself and can't they just wait for Dolph as she wants to get home to bed. Another 'joke' about Zerbrowski wearing jammies (I'm sorry, do adults actually call their PJs Jammies in America? How do you not feel like a 5yr old?) and Dolph ambles out of the house saving us from more of this banter.

Insert usual description/background about our burly head cop and then the plot resumes, so glad it came to a grinding halt for this, this scene is so fast paced I needed the break.

Anita gives the run down that there was at least 3 vampires, but she thinks (for some reason) that there were more. Dolph interjects to point out that vamps are solitary hunters, Anita responds that usually that is the case, but this time they're hunting in a pack and that there is most likely a master vampire with a few babies and that as he's outright killing humans he has most likely gone rogue.

We learn that some master's kill as a group to solidify the pack's unity or something, also that most groups wouldn't be stupid enough to leave the body out in the open like this, which means the master has gone batshit crazy which somehow relates to them being rogue?

Does, does Anita actually know what that word means??

Whatever, Anita then points out that slaughter like this is bad publicity for the vamps trying to mainstream so they can probably rule them out almost instantly. She then goes rambles about vampires being ruthless, Dolph questions her on this, she responds that they're practical, they kill to keep secrets yadda yadda, Zerbrowski points out that they're run like the mob. Whatever, can we get on with it already?! 

Zerbrowski asks if they panicked, Dolph states that the body was found at 0530, apparently there's still hours before sunrise? Really? Even in winter the sun rises around 0600 here, how long do you guys sit around in darkness?!

But, also didn't they dump the body here? So why would sunrise make them panic and dump it? It'd make sense if the guy was actually killed here.. But whatever, I need to stop overthinking these books. Ha, like that'd ever happen, there wouldn't be a point to this blog if I did that.

Blah blah, Anita should be able to raise this guy as a zombie, Dolph thought vamp killed people couldn't be raised, Anita points out that's only true if they're going to be a vampire themselves, Dolph asks what makes her think that this guy won't be a vamp (Uh... So anyone who's drained by a vamp can become one? Really? That doesn't make sense...) 

Oh, Anita goes on to explain that the process takes several days of the vamp feeding off them, three bites and you're a vamp. 

WHAT? Haha, then shouldn't the majority of vampire lovers become vamps if three bites is all it takes? By the Gods this is the stupidest method I've ever heard of! Hahahahaahahaha

Anita agrees to raise the corpse in two nights (as the night he was killed would somehow count...Even though they don't know when he was killed) but points out that it might not do them much good as the zombie might not remember much of the crime.

Zerbrowski gets all indigent, even though just before he agreed that witness testimonies are a bitch as everyone seems to remember shit differently.

Anita then explains to THE COPS, that the zombie may be confused, and not remember much of the incident from you know... SHOCK and the fact the he DIED FROM THIS AND PROBABLY HAS PTSD OR SOMETHING!

We learn then the there's two Master's currently in the city, Malcom, head of the church of eternal life (CEL) and the master of the city, and that they would probably know if anyone else of their power decided to waltz into their city.

Dolph say's that they'll take Malcom, Anita say she'll take the Master and refuses cop backup claiming that if she let a cop know where he's staying he'd kill them both. Meeting in a neutral location is apparently not allowed to happen? 

Uh, Anita isn't a cop, so how would any information she gathers stand up in court?

Dolph asks how dangerous this will be for her, Anita doesn't feel like telling him that the master has the hots for her so she'll probably be fine as long as she dodges his come ons. So simply tells him that she'll be fine, everything is fine.

Dolph naturally doesn't believe her, but since he sucks at his freaking job, just agrees that they can't do this without her and how soon can she set up a meeting. Anita says she can do it tomorrow night as she'll just get Bert to foster her work onto someone else.

Seriously, why is everyone in this universe so goddamn unprofessional and laidback about their freaking jobs?!

The chapter ends with more banter between Anita and Zerbrowski and holy fuckballs I'm glad this is over with,

  

Update

Surprise Fuckers!

Last year might have sucked huge massive balls and drained my life, but this year I'm going to be back y'all! watch this space!
Constant fuck no, but I'm going to be back regardless! For those who have stuck around for my hiatus you're a better person then I am.

I'll have a update in the next week.
Peace fuckers!

Blue Moon - Chapter four (part one)

Portaby Airfield is small. I guess that's why it's called an airfield instead of an airport. 

Ugh, I'm so glad we now get a paragraph enforcing just how small this airfield is, I just beat its an ESSENTIAL PLOT POINT TO THIS STORY!

Whatever, they're now near the Smokey Mountains because Richard is doing a master degree in biology and basing his thesis on the lower smokey mountain troll or something or another, it's kinda showhorned in there between Anita yapping on about the scenery and location. (They're at Myerton, Tennessee)
Apparently Richard has been coming down here for years in the summer between his full time teaching because shockingly it takes longer to get a degree when you only work on it for three or so months every year.

We than get a whole spill about how Richard is an outdoorsie sort of person who loves camping, climbing, caving, etc.

We FINALLY get past Richard and move onto a random guy whose walking towards them.

A man walked towards us. He was almost perfectly round in the middle, wearing a pair of coveralls with oil on the knees. White hair stuck out from underneath a billed cap.

It keeps going saying that he wears glasses and wipes his hand on a rag as he idly wonder towards them with an open and curious face, eyes flickering from Anita to her entourage than to the coffins that were being unloaded (Asher in one, Damien in the other)

Wait, wait, wait.. So JC wasn't allowed into the territory, but he can send his personal assassin and fucking second in command in plus an entourage?!
This vampire is a fucking retard!

Whatever, we learn that while Damien is a viking and way older than Asher, he isn't anywhere near as powerful. Because according to this lore, you have the power you start off with and simply learn how to control them. So if when you're turned you're weak well too fucking bad!

We than randomly get Damien's backstory, apparently he was taken by a powerfully scary vampire when he raided her stronghold, for some reason JC ransomed for Damien's freedom once he took over as MOC, Anita has no idea what it cost him but even though she's never met or even know Damien's old master she's certain it wouldn't have been cheap because she wouldn't have wanted to give up her favourite whipping boy.

But whatever, the plot is once again trying to push itself back into the limelight! Mr overalls points out that Mr Niles man is waiting for them in the building, when Anita asks who the hell he's talking about. He looks confused before asking if they're not Nile's men because someone called Milo mentioned that his people are landing today or some crap.

Overalls looks over his shoulder as a tall man stepped out of the building. His skin was the colour of coffee, two creams. That seems... Suspiciously racist, or something... I dunno, I'm not exactly PC.

He has a haircut that's a wedge.. Which makes me think he has an emo cut, but sure. He's wearing an expensive suit and apparently screams muscle to miss hardcore Anita.

Anita points out that they're not Niles people while wondering who Niles is. Oh Look! A wild plot point has appeared!

Before Anita can investigate this plot point too closely though, Jamil (one of Richards wolf enforces) pops out of nowhere, saying that this group belongs to him.

For some reason, Werewolves in this universe seem to base their history and mythology off Norse history (even though Werewolves started in Greek times) BUT SURE, WHATEVER!

Enforces for this wolfpack (maybe all of them? It's not clearly explained here) are Skoll and Hati, you know. The two wolves who chase the sun and moon, keeping Fenrir in check, once they catch up the end of the world happens.
Anita goes on to say that this tells something that the wolf pack calls their enforces after something that'll bring on the end of the world.

I guess.. That, kinda makes sense??

Jamil is Skoll, which means that he's head enforcer. Which means he's a walking stereotype, he's dark skinned and has waist length cornrows, he has white beads in his hair. According to Anita the last time she saw him they were multi-coloured.

Oh, and for some weird reason he was wearing a white sleeveless shirt with dress pants and shoes... Fucking weirdo.

OH so Overall' is called Ed, musta missed that intro somewhere, flicked a look at Jamil before wondering off, Anita mentions that she didn't realise that Jamil was there.

He points out that since he's Richard's bodyguard (I guess enforcers multi-task?) where else would he be?

Anita asks where he was the night this rape apparently took place... Only more awkwardly because, LKH wrote this!

.."Where were you the night his body was supposedly attacking this women?"

-Sigh-

MOVING ON!

Instead of answering the question, he replies that the accusers name is Betty Schaffer, and instead of pushing her question again, Anita simply asks if he's spoken to her.

To which he gets all wide-eyed because she's already accused a fine upstanding white boy, so of course he hasn't spoken to her.

The racial undertones here...

Anita points out that he could try to blend in a little, Jamil points out that there's only two POC (the other being Milo) within a 50 miles radius, so he doesn't try.

Anita thinks that there is an undercurrent of anger there and wonders what issues he's been facing with the locals, thinking that not only is he African American, but tall, athletic and handsome. Also the fact that he has 'killer fashion'   

BITCH HE'S WEARING THIS...

WITH SUIT PANTS! EVEN I WOULDN'T WEAR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!!!

And I'm currently wearing Star Wars shorts with a torn shirt.

BUT! Apparently his 'killer fashion sense' means that the locals clearly assume that he is gay, or somewhere along those lines.

Whatever, Anita points out that she assumes that Milo is the other POC, careful not to point at the guy since he was watching them carefully, since muscle apparently recognises muscles and both are wondering why the other is out in the middle of nowhere.

So the other male of colour is called Milo Hart and he doesn't blend in either, but Milo works for the mysterious Frank Niley, Which he learnt from gossiper Ed. Niley has a bodyguard because he's rich, for some reason Anita seems slightly confused by that logic.

Jamil has a small bitch that if Richard allowed him to do his job than the rape charges wouldn't have much weight because Richard would have had a witness... Not sure how much weight a black male would have, because the subcontext here is that his word wouldn't mean shit.

Anita mentions that maybe she should go and talk to the victim, Jamil agrees and calls her babe, Anita points out that he's the only one who calls her that and theres a reason for it. Jamil seems chuffed about this for some reason or another.

We now learn that Richard actually has history with the victim, apparently they dated or something as Richard is trying to find a replacement for Anita... In random human females, because.... Logic, I guess?

Anita looks down on Richard for sleeping around even though SHE CHEATED ON HIM WITH HER CURRENT SQUEEZE!

Anita acts all high and mighty, but doesn't throw a stampy so Jamil looks relieved, and points out that Richard doesn't sleep with humans because of how fragile they are, so apparently were-wolves are like superman in this universe?

We now learn that Anita is slightly shocked that you don't have to put a D in a V to have sex, and that apparently were's can lose control and change at orgasm or something or something, bullshit that pushes my suspension of disbelief. 

We finally, FINALLY move away from this BS subject by Jason demanding help with the luggage, he has two suitcases under each arm, while Zane and Cherry move a coffin out. Nate being the useless piece of eye candy that he's here for is lying topless on top of the other coffin already out on the runway.

Anita than suitcase shames, since she's a manly man who only brought one suitcase. Cherry because she's a yucky girly girl brought three and JC sent along a trunk probably full of porn clothes or something.

Jason jokes that maybe she won't have to worry about wearing the clothes if the Master simply tries to kill her. Instead of doing the whole elaborate fancy vampire meeting thing.

Nate randomly turns his head to look at Anita, stating that while he's a strong manly man he can lift the coffin, but it's not balanced correctly for him to simply carry it himself and needs help. Anita retorts that he clearly does need help and this hurts his feelings because everyone in this goddamn series have the self-esteem of a thin piece of ice.

When Anita asks why he's sunbathing, his smile completely fades and explains that its a scene from a porno he starred in and shared with Anita (who didn't watch them) and gets all cut because she didn't watch it or some shit.

I'm going to end this here because ugh, just... Ugh, I'll post the second part in a day or so.

  

The Angel Wore Fangs - Prologue

Cnut Sigurdsson was a big man. A really big man! He was taller than the average man, of course, being a viking, but more than that, he was...well...truth to tell...fat.

Huh, that actually took me by surprise, from the way that sentence started off I figured it would go on to drool over his glistening abs and flowing locks.
Classy.. Though he does go on to point out that while that's probably not actually true, it does make for a good story.
Cnut than murdered the Skald for dishonouring him in his own home with such an awful song...
My search history must confuse the government something shocking after I do these snarks, seriously..


It goes on for a bit about how vain vikings apparently were and how rare it was for them to be fat because of it.
Weird, from my own (admittedly dusty) knowledge of vikings was that they tended to be rather average people and that their weight would heavily depend on how much food was available and what country they happened to be squatting in at the time.

But don't worry because our hero of this book doesn't care!

And apparently now three of his six brothers (half brothers because apparently vikings in this universe don't do the whole loyal wedding thing, granted studies vary on this fact but mostly from what I've read they tended to be monogamous unless population became an issue) have rocked up to his party and giving him shit about his fat, uncaring ways.

But not to worry! For Cnut doesn't care what these lackwits think of him! Yet he seems to spend quite a bit of time letting the narrator tell the audience this while not actually SHOWING us evidence of this fact.

Like the fact that he thinks his half brother Trond .. did not even have the strength to lift his cock for pissing, that he sat like a wrench on the privy hole.

These vikings clearly need to get out more, bloody hell...

His older brother got a skald (for those of you who don't play Skyrim, think warrior bard) to make up a quick song about Cnut...

Cnut is a brute
And a glutton, of some repute.
He is so fat that, when he goes a-Viking for loot,
He can scarce lift a bow with an arrow to shoot.
But when it comes to women-pursuit, None can refute
That Cnut can "salute" with the best of them,
Thus and therefore, let it be known
And this is a truth absolute,
Size matters


Not really, that would have made some sense! Instead Cnut laughs in sarcasm as the rest of the party laughs it up because apparently they're really drunk and haven't heard proper Skald work before.

But again, Cnut doesn't care because the brother (Vikar) who asked the Skald for the song is apparently filled with so much pride he reeks of self-love... And that Cnut should count himself lucky that the Skald didn't do the whole "if you spell Cnut different it changes how you look at him" joke because apparently Sandra doesn't do basic google searches on words to discover it's actually Germanic origin Kunta.


Cnut goes on to point out that Mockery was a game to the Norse and that while he happens to be the butt of most of them. He simply does not care!

I'm starting to think that this is a perfect example of the lady protesting far too bloody much.

Insert here way to many words putting this guy down, yapping on about how he's fat and rarely bathes because apparently he's too big for the tub (Fun fact, Vikings generally bathed once a week so she got this part right about him being different) though head lice avoids greasy hair so she loses points for pointing out that he has lice because he doesn't bathe.

Harek, Cnut's other step-brother who thinks of himself smarter than everyone else, is much more graceful of taking a joke when Cnut points out that his (Harek's) wife 'Dagne' is so fat that she waddles and farts every time she walks.

Cnut is just blowing me out of the water here with his class and social skills!

Especially since we learn that Cnut has yet to take a wife, even though he's 28 (so pretty bloody ancient, think around 50-60yrs today) and that the concubines... I think Sandra means prostitute here in which case...

Harald Fairhair passed a law that forbade prostitution and rape, punishable by being declared an outlaw (fredløs). He ordered all former prostitutes to be taken to the king's court (kongsgård), where they worked as thralls until they could pay a fine of three marks to restore their honour.

(source: Tormod Torfæus' Historia Rerum Norvegicarum)

Granted we have no idea what time this took place, but still!

But basically as long as Cnut had Food, drink and sex he ONCE FUCKING AGAIN did't care what others thought of him...

When his brothers make to leave 2 days later, Vikar points out that Cnut really should watch himself because his life of excess will be his downfall, Cnut proving to be the awful person that he is instead molests a passing camber maid telling her to be in his room so he can fall down with you for a bit of foreplay, whatever the fuck that's suppose to mean. His brothers shake their heads realising how much of a lost cause this idiot is before leaving.

Vikars words came back to haunt Vikar several months later, as he's riding a warhorse across the paddock. (insert random detour here about how he's too tall and heavy for normal horses and viking eating habits) 

We also get an incredibly boring sidetrack about how Cnut's Steward seems to care more for Cnut's health and land than our hero viking. I'm skipping over it because BORING!

OH! Ok, so Cnut is an awful jarl as well as a person and viking! His Steward wants him to lower the taxes and open up the food stores because they've had a shit season and people are starting to starve. 

Cnut argues that he can't do that because he needs the money to fund his personal army (the book calls them housecarls but WRONG!) and that he needs the food because he's a fat bastard who won't lower his eating standards to keep his own people alive!

The steward (Finn) points out that the people don't view him real nicely right now and an uprising could be in the near future.

Which is where the whole riding across the paddock thing comes back (no, there's no real transitions between anything either, yes, it is incredibly jarring)

ANYWAYS, people are spitting towards him and pointing out that if he skipped a meal a month they wouldn't all be starving and shit, leading me to wonder how he let it get this bad in the first place, since these things tend not to come out of nowhere..

Instead of learning anything from this, Cnut informs Finn to evict anyone who can't pay their taxes because he's trying to prove a point? I don't bloody know anymore...

By the time Autumn swings around Cnut realises that he might have done fucked up, as the harvest was bad and he had to bring in food just for the keep while people where dying in large numbers in the village. His horse also mysterious died and the carcass vanished making Cnut paranoid and posting extra guards around his stables and grain stores, bitching that no matter where he turned people where grumbling.

Then during dinner one night he leaves early because the people in the keep were judging him (if they were feasting with him, then they probably weren't suffering) thinking that he wasn't the one who brought on the drought and that they should blame the lazy farm hands or bad seeds. Not him! Not the jarl of these lands who did nothing to help!!

We now know its bad because he turned down an exciting board game he usually played and a women who winked at him in an inviting manner!

Holy Shit Guys! I think this might be serious!!

So he goes to the privy, bitching that his balls are cold and that the leaves used for wiping haven't been filled, before walking down a corridor and almost pissing himself because there is a stranger standing there with his arms folded.

OK, so I get what Sandra is going for here, a ruthless asshole who'll go through a transformation like Scrooge.. Only, right from the get go you knew Scrooge's motivation and some forms of the retelling (muppets for example) can make you feel slightly sorry for him even BEFORE the ghosts start fucking with him. Here? Cnut is a literally living up to his cunty name.

Anyways, the guy standing in front of him is noble of standing, well muscled (which if they're facing a food shortage this alone would have me mildly worried) and wears a white robe and crucifix around his neck (which alone probably would have earned him instant death) it also appears that he has wings.

Cnut is surprisingly calm about all of this, just thinking that he's more drunk than he originally thought and demands to know who the person is.

-Deep breath- You're... You're not going to believe who this is...

It's apparently Saint Michael, yeah.. You know, head of God's angel's and all that has for SOME REASON! shown up to a VIKING of a DIFFERENT religion. WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK?!

Cnut for some strange reason seems to know what an Archangel is, and doesn't seem overly concerned when said Archangel appears to read his mind. 

Wow, wish I had this sort of composer when faced with fucked up situations!

Cnut demands to know what Michael wants, Michael points out that Cnut is a massive sinner and that God is not pleased with him. Cnut asks which God he pissed off, asking if it was Odin or Thor. 

EVEN THOUGH HE JUST MENTIONED THAT MICHAEL IS A CHRISTIAN BELIEF!

Ah! Of course he was referring to the Christian one-God. Vikings must follow the Old Norse religions but where well aware of the Christian dogma, and, in truth, many of them allowed themselves to be baptized just for the sake of expediency.

Uh... Yeah, no.. Like most religions Vikings had a rather all or nothing view on their belief. If Vikings ran out and got baptized than they wouldn't be welcome in Valhalla, and since Christian heaven is a lot like Viking hell I fail to see why they'd want to sign up for this.

Cnut then demands to know why he should care that Michaels God is displeased with him, thinking that he is an high jarl after all while wondering where his guards are, before thinking that they're in the great hall bitching about the lack of meat and that he's going to kick some arse because of this.

A) Why would guards be eating with the jarl

B) Why would guards be bitching about lack of food in a FUCKING FOOD SHORTAGE

C) Why do they not have a rotating roster so that there are always guards on patrol

D) Why would the jarl be kicking their arses? Shouldn't he just go to the head guard and make sure he rains fire and brimstone all over his charges?

Michael goes on about how Cnut should tend him well or he'll be sent to meet his maker, and that there are seven brothers and are guilty of one deadly sin, would Cnut like to guess which sin is his?

Cnut proving at this point that he should be a good contestant for all seven, argues that he worked hard to be were he is and can afford his lifestyle so why not?

Michael cracks the shits and shows Cnut images of that suffering he has caused by his greed (mostly people starving, nothing he already didn't know so not sure how this is going to change anything)

As I thought, Cnut shrugs it off. Saying that Michael would not be able to kill all of his siblings. Michael points out that they won't all die at once, and that some of his brothers have already been taken care of. Which Cnut is unsure of since he saw three of them a few pages back and hasn't hear of any deaths in his family.

Before admitting that they don't exactly live down the street and roads are hard to get through this time of year... I thought roads would be good up to winter, or does he live in an especially hard hold to get too...

Michael proving how good and just his God and beliefs are, goes on to threaten that he should throw Cnut down the privy and let him die in filth or let him starve to death in the garderobe (toilet or storeroom in medieval castles) like the serfs.

Cnut is quick to point out that Michael can't blame him for the lack of food since it's his God that has fucked them over. Michael pins him to the wall with angel magic, saying that the Vikings have grown too arrogant and brutish to live and will die out, but that Cnut and his brothers have been given a second chance...

YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID YOU WHERE THERE TO ENSURE THEY DIED!!!

FINE, Whatever, I'm almost done with this chapter so... MOVING ON!

Michael offers Cnut another chance at redemption by serving God for seven hundred years as a Vangel (Quick Google search had informed me that it's a shortened version of evangelist (for those not brushed up on the new testament, that means someone who'll convert others) ) to make up for his sins or die and suffer in hell. 

Gonna have to say, that's a hard one for poor Cnut, because if God exists then technically HIS  Gods might exist and this is all some sort of test and pissing off Odin would not be something on my to do list, on the other hand if Michael IS on the up and up this is chance I wouldn't want to miss... Maybe, but then again I'm not an obese viking who would have grown up in  a completely different era to me.

Cnut can suddenly smell Brimstone and remembers that the Christian God has a habit of burning people who piss him off, his toes start getting warm and he's convinced that, that's exactly what it means and that he doesn't seem to have much of a choice ahead of him. He than demands to know what Vangel means, which unlike what google has informed me of, means someone who fights and kills Lucipire (demon vampires) who naturally work for Satan and spend their time on earth wondering around spreading evil.

Cnut goes on to show how intelligent he is, by agreeing to the deal before finding out exactly what a vampire is (The closest Vikings had were the Draugr, which were probably closer to zombies then vamps so kudos Sandra for getting that right) 

So Michael lets Cnut go (he had him pinned against the wall with angel magic) and transforms him into a vampire, I might've missed it, but I do not actually remember that being part of the deal! In which case, BAD FORM!

Either way, Cnut goes through a painful and confusing (probably because he wasn't told) transformation into a vampire, angel, viking -Sigh-

Once it's done Michael leans forward and tells him the first thing that's going to happen is that he's going to go one a diet.

Now, see the way it's written in the book is the same way one might write it in  script, I can imagine who that would play out, but at the same time it's jarring to actually read.

And so ends the prologue of this book, I'm actually seriously starting to worry about my health while snarking this...