But never fear because I'm back!!!
Anyways, in case you can't remember and are too lazy to go back and re-read my last post. Anita and Ronnie interviewed a stereotype about an anti-vampire (re terrorist) group called the humans against vampires (HAV) in this wonderful chapter they are going to talk to the vampire version.
Excitement.
So the Church of Eternal Life, CEL from now on because... Yeah, screw that noise. Is far from the vampire segregated area aka the distract as it can get because they apparently don't like being associated with the riffraff. Vampire strip club, circus of the damned, tsk tsk. How shocking. No, they think of themselves as mainstream uundead.
I thought JC and his group were mainstreaming because you know, they answered and followed (however loosely) human law... Or, am I wrong and you need to be apart of a cult like group that turn themselves into gods?
Anita pulls up the the stark white 'church' claiming that it glowed in the hot July sunshine, like a land-bound moon.
I... What? You seriously want me to imagine a large boulder covered rock sitting in the July sunshine here? What has this description got to do with the damn building?!
Ronnie says that the building looks pretty, Anita bitches that it's generic because "The stained glass is all abstract color. No scenes of Christ, no saints, no holy symbols. Clean and pure as a wedding grown fresh out of plastic."
So... Am I the only one who gives this sentence some serious side-eye? And I don't think Anita knows what generic means, since if the church was overflowing with Christian markings that would make it look more like every other Christian church out there.
Also, holy religion bashing there Anita, good job on deciding how a 'proper' church needs to look.
I need a drink...
Ronnie agrees by saying that it looks like they've just unwrapped it and haven't decorated it yet, which causes me to go and get a shot of whiskey, because seriously, the judgmental is just oozing off this page.
They then go on to question how a church without a God can exist, which I answer it technically can, since you know. A church exists as a psychical place of worship, what you worship is never really put down in stone unless you're after the religion tax break of course.
It also turns out that CEL are the modern blood obsessed Mormon/Jehovah witness as human members go door to door trying to recruit.
Ronnie of course is shocked by this, which is another issue with this world. No one knows anything! You'd think having people going around trying to recruit people to a vampire cult would be making news, just think of all the jokes your late night host could make about this!!
They finally get to the main door of the church, there is a sign on the door inviting people in and to be at peace, Anita has to fight the urge down not to pull it off and stomp on it. Which... Just makes me instantly feel sorry for whoever has to deal with this crazy vampire hating for no real reason lady.
Yadda yadda, crap about how people join up to avoid death, aging, etc etc etc.
Ronnie and Anita have an 'amusing' back and forth about Ronnie 'teasing' her, I dunno I skimmed over it because it really isn't interesting. Anita wants Ronnie to look cold as she looks for clues, why having someone look intimating is going to help them I don't know, there's a reason why police try being open and inviting when they come to your door.
The offices were marked with a little sign that said "office." How clever.
This... This is going to be a very painful chapter for me tonight, how is that clever in any sense of the word? Pretty much every place you walk into has a sign like this!
So we meet Bruce of the long handshake description, seriously the damn thing is a good paragraph going on about how it's a good solid handshake, that lingers but isn't sexual and good car salesman have handshakes like it. This is a theme in the early AB books if I remember correctly, she has this weird obsession with how people shake hands, it's just... Bizarre.
Anita says she'd like an appointment with a guy called Malcolm, he's the head of the group and a vampire (this is only because I remember, this isn't mentioned yet because you know. Details!) Bruce asks for her name, she corrects his 'miss' to 'ms' before stating her name, when he doesn't react she bitches about fleeting fame.
He could just be a professional and realizes that you're not there to stake his boss, but you're a Mary Sue on her quest, so of course you'll be right and he'll freak when he finds out.
Bruce then asks why she wants to see the leader when they have counselors who can help her make an educated decision about 'dying'.
After internally bitching him out about the whole counselor thing, before telling him that Mel will want to see her since she has details involving the current vampire murders.
Bruce does what anyone would do in this case, tell her to go to the police with it. Instead of stating that she's working for the police and is simply following her line of inquiry, she asks him if he still wants her to do that since she has evidence involving the police.
Why are you lying Anita? What the hell does this grant you? No, seriously, tell me how this is going to help her investigation?!
Bruce naturally freaks the hell out, Anita talks him into giving her an appointment which he does, when he asks for her full name so he can pencil her in, Anita debates if she should point out that he's using a pen, not a pencil.
The fucking humor in this useless piece of shit... Honestly...
When Bruce doesn't recognize her entire name, she then bitches about So much for me being the terror of vampireland.
When they leave the office, Ronnie laughs saying that she thinks they scared him, Anita responds that Bruce just scares easy which URGH, WHY DID YOU NEED TO DO ANY OF THIS?!
If this isn't explained when they meet with Malcolm this isn't going to end well for this blog.
The barest mention of violence, murder, and he had fallen apart. When he "grew up," he was going to be a vampire. Sure.
And that's all I'm going to say on this matter.
Anyways, they're leaving the church, Anita sees movement out of the corner of her eye, Ronnie screams her name. Time apparently slows down so Anita can stare at the guy and his gun before Ronnie slams into her, a split second before bullets splinter the door where she was standing.
Ronnie scrambles behind the shelter next to Anita whose already got her gun out and seems surprise and vaguely annoyed when she can hear the guy coming towards them.
Well, why didn't he? When he pulled the gun you froze up if it wasn't for Ronnie you'd be dead. You're hardly coming across as a professional badass here...
It turns out that the gunman is just a fucking idiot, he walks right into the church without clearing behind the door where the useless duo are hiding. Anita tells him "Don't move." "Freeze" always sounds so melodramatic. Don't move, short, to the point. "Don't move," I said.
This sort of shit kills the what little suspension this scene had, the whole throwing an amateur at her was bad, monologuing about which words she prefers to tell her victim is just a kick to the kidney.
Amateur asks if she's the executioner, Anita tells him no. So he does what pretty much anyone in this situation would do, assume it's Ronnie and makes to shot her, Anita fires into his chest and a split-second later Ronnie's gun also spits metal into the man.
Anita peers around the door, wait... didn't he walk into the church? If they were next to him as they would be behind the door he would fly opposite them, still in the church and in plan sight. How did he fly not only in the wrong direction but far enough away that Anita has to get up and walk over to make sure he's dead?!?!
Anyway, she goes over, kicks the gun out of his hand and checks his pulse to ensure that he's dead before yammering on about how she uses ammo designed for taking out vampires, basically she's using hollow-point bullets since the entrance hole is small but half his chest is missing on the exit wound.
Why didn't she just mention that she uses hollow-point? We have those in our world and they certainly weren't designed to be used against vampires... Though I'm sure there is a conspiracy out there arguing this.
Anita notices that the amateur has vampire bite marks and this seems to annoy her even more, before rambling about how she got lucky. And I call bullshit, she had her gun out and aimed before he turned his gun on Ronnie, which brings up a good question, why the fuck is her fun loaded with hollow-point bullets during the day if she's feeling annoyed/sad about turning this guy into mincemeat?
Ronnie shows up, claiming that she doesn't usually carry a gun during the day, but she knew she was coming with Anita and apparently having randoms try and kill her is a usual occurrence when she hangs out with the executioner.
Bruce appears out of nowhere and is badly shaken by the entire experience, Anita asks if he knows the corpse. He shakes his head, going on about how they don't condone violence before Anita sends him back inside to call the cops.
Anita and Ronnie watch the guys blood run down the white stairs, having a conversation thanking each other for pushing me out of the way/shooting him before he got me, Ronnie isn't happy that she also shot the man so Anita asks what's wrong.
Ronnie admits that she's scared, Anita turns this all about her, yammering on about how shes a free-fire zone and a menace to my friends and coworkers. Before then rambling on about how Ronnie was slower to shoot then she was and that is a big difference in a life and death situation yadda yadda.
They can already hear the police sirens and Anita wonders how they got here so quick before wondering if Dolph will believe that the corpse was just another fanatic trying to kill the vampire bogeyman.
She then realizes that if someone is out to kill her then she must know something important to the investigation, but has no idea what it is.
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