You know, magic, zombies, were-beasts and human leeches I could believe... But this sort of luck is really pushing my luck.
I want the number of the cleaning crew she is using! I'm currently in the middle of a move and finding a decently priced mob that can do it on short notice is few and fair between.
But enough about my real life problems because face it, its hardly as interesting or engaging as Anita's!!
She wonders around her apartment marveling at the fact that not only did they fix her smashed window but they also expertly filled up the bullet holes so her place no longer looks like it was involved with killer zombies.
Anita also internally bitches that John Burke hasn't called her back yet and she wonders if she had been too clever with her message and will call back with a more blunt one later.
I just... I really want to know what 'clever' message she left him so he would need her to whack him over the head with a more blunt one. Seriously, I can't even think of something that would prevent him from calling her back because it was so clever...
And now because this chapter has hit the ground running, we get clothes and gun p0rn!!!!!!!!!!
Anita is dressed for jogging, she's carrying a small armory while assuring us that while the velcro in her pants does not promote fast drawing.
Seriously, we get an entire sentence about her derringer like its size and weight but as I've never even seen a real gun that means nothing to me and has managed to bore me even more.
Ok, So Ronnie (The blond haired PI from the last book) is currently standing in Anita's loungeroom since they go jogging together.
This chapter is extremely special boys and girls! Not only have we just read about Anita's clothes and weapon choice, we now get to read about Ronnie's!!!!
Now, because I promote reading and all that, I won't insert what Ronnie is wearing because I know that why everyone reads these books and I don't want to spoil it all for you. But I will show you an snippet to further your motivation.
...And a T-shirt that said, 'Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.'
Besides the fact that slogan isn't exactly what I'd call funny or witty, it seems extremely long to have on a shirt. But hey, what do I know? I'm merely the loser who's snarking on this series.
"I missed you Thursday at the health club," she said. "Was the funeral awful?"
"Yeah."
She didn't ask me to elaborate. She knows funerals are not my best thing. Most people hate funerals because of the dead. I hate all the emotional shit.
Can you tell how awesome and cool Anita is? You know, when I was going through puberty I was the same way. You know, too cool for emotions and all that jazz, but Anita is what? 20 something in these books, so going on about this is just enforcing how much of a heartless bitch she is!
They start to limber up for the jog, Ronnie inquires as to why Anita is carrying a gun. Anita tries to bullshit Ronnie which doesn't work and they then have a bit of banter about the fact no one has threatened Anita about not going to the police yet, blah blah.
After Anita fills her in they head down the stairs, Ronnie offering to help in anyway she can since right now the only jobs she's doing involves a lot of sitting around and eating fast food...
Honestly sounds like my dream job,,,
Ronnie also makes it clear that she doesn't like or trust JC, which is a fair enough assumption since he's forcing Anita to meet up with him. If one of my friends told me about one of her guy friends doing that I would drive her to the copshop before she even finished her sentence.
We then get another reminder about how Anita is the shortest, short person whoever shorted. Since Ronnie is taller then her Anita gets to set the pace that's merely challenging for her instead of impossible because she's short!
I do not enjoy exercise. Slim hips and muscular calves are not incentive enough for this kind of abuse. Being able to outrun the bad guys is incentive. Sometimes it all comes down to who is faster, stronger, quicker. I am in the wrong business.
Oh, I'm not complaining. But 106 pounds (72.5kg for the rest of the world) is not a lot of muscle to throw around.
Of course, when it came to vampires I could be two-hundred-plus of pure human muscles and it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good. Even the newly dead can bench press cars with one hand. So I'm outclassed. I've gotten use to it.
That's a huge flaw (asides from the other glaring flaws) in this series, vampires are stupidly OP, how can I really expect humans not to have been completely conquered by a species that is not only stronger and faster then us but have special mind controlling powers?!
Also, isn't faster and quicker the same thing? Get your shit together LKH!
They're about two miles (roughly 3km) into the run when Ronnie, not the superduper paranoid vampire hunter, notices a man simply standing along their route.
Since I already know this is going to be a bad guy, it raises loads of questions. Do Anita and Ronnie always run the same path, at the same time on the same day?
If so, why? Also, how would they know this unless they had been following Anita for awhile now? In which case, why wouldn't they grab her when she's alone?
Oh, ok so this guy is a complete idiot as he apparently stepped out of the trees allowing them to notice him. Anita gets paranoid and says they should turn around since it's 2miles either way from this point.
A second male turns the corner so Anita shouts that they should run, before the second guy draws his gun and commands them to stop, which they do. He points out that it's too hot to be chasing them and they only need Anita alive, not necessarily in good shape.
Anita goes on about how the gun the guy is carrying is a .22 which is apparently good for wounding and that it scares her because it means that they have thought out their plan...
No... No they clearly didn't think out this plan, someone like me can instantly point out flaws in their plan then they're clearly amateurs, so isn't this taking place on a public road? Shouldn't there be like.. I dunno, witnesses? Even without the gun the look of two large males hassling too females should garner at least SOME attention.
Ronnie was standing very stiff beside me. I fought the urge to grab her hand and squeeze it, but that wouldn't be very tough-as-nails vampire slayer, would it?
Admire how tough and cool Anita is! Weep in misery that you'll never be as TOUGH as Anita, the Tough-as-nails TOUGH vampire hunter! Who is TOUGH!
Anita and Ronnie back into a brick wall, their two would-be-captures cornering them. With a few eye movements they apparently make a plan on who will take on who, Anita will take on the guy with the bigger gun because she is TOUGH!
Then because it wouldn't be a LKH book without rape undertones, we're informed that while Anita is off limits Ronnie isn't.
Anita assures us that she doesn't look her Ronnie to see how she was taking the news because she had to keep an eye on her captures for an opening, normally I would accept that sort of logic. But considering that Anita had just stated that she's too tough for the emotions of a funeral it makes me think she's making up excuses.
Either way, she taunts the guy. Gets a slap across the face but doesn't go down, so the guy punches her and she goes down.
Because we're clearly dealing with professions who wouldn't let themselves get taunted by their prey. The guy then starts kicking Anita in the ribs, you know... To prove something or another because all us guys are that insecure and get power from beating on a female...
Anita lays on her stomach merely pretending to be hurt because you know, she's TOUGH! And manages to get her gun free from her pocket because again, we're clearly dealing with professionals here who wouldn't make such a stupid mistake.
Whatever, she gets her gun free and holds it against the groin on the guy closest to her, Ronnie on the other hand shoves her elbow into her captures throat, twisting away when he bends over before kneeing him in the face.
I fought an urge to yell 'Yea Ronnie.' but it didn't sound tough enough. We'd do high-fives later.
Just in case you thought I was exaggerating with how TOUGH Anita is...
Ronnie grabs both guns then proceeds to cover Anita while she informs the guy she has by the balls that her gun can take a different variant of bullets, honestly this conversation means nothing to me because again. Most of my gun and bullet knowledge comes from games such as Fallout and somehow I doubt that game is entirely something to glean actual fact from.
She then demands to know who hired them to take them out, the guys companion tells him not to talk. Anita digs the gun in a bit deeper before asking again, the head honcho spills that it was Bruno who hired them, his partner calls him an idiot.
Anita gives Ronnie permission to shoot the complaining captor in the knee, they have a bit of a banter about where they shoot him and somehow that convinces the head guy to give up all the information he had, like the fact they were suppose to grab both of them and take them to a certain address... Again, why would you want a pointless hostage and witness?
The bad guys give Anita the address but point out that if Ronnie and her go busting in there Bruno will know that they told and kill them, so Anita randomly promises to let them go, not go busting into the place or go to the cops...
I'm sorry, but why? It would make more sense if she claimed that she didn't want to walk into a possible trap or something, but feeling empathy for two strangers who just tried to kill you doesn't wash with a character who didn't blink once at her friend being threatened with rape...
But then again I'm a pretty bloodthirsty so it could make sense to me,
So they let them go... The bad guys wonder off after asking for their guns (which Anita doesn't return, but again maybe its because Ronnie is holding them) Ronnie then asks if they really aren't going to the address they were given.
Anita, actually has a semi-believable reason for not going. Claiming that she knows who hired them and why so what could she gain that's worth two more lives?
Ronnie then asks if Anita was joking when she asked her to shoot the guy in the kneecap, Anita doesn't answer. Instead saying that they should go home because she doesn't feel like jogging anymore.
Ronnie agrees, but asks again if she was just saying that to act tough in front of the bad guys, Anita replies that she doesn't know which surprises and shocks Ronnie who clearly doesn't know her friend very well.
I saw her look at me sideways as we walked back. There was a look I'd seen before. A mixture of horror and admiration. I'd just never seen it on a friends face before. That part hurt.
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