Huh, that actually took me by surprise, from the way that sentence started off I figured it would go on to drool over his glistening abs and flowing locks.
Classy.. Though he does go on to point out that while that's probably not actually true, it does make for a good story.
Cnut than murdered the Skald for dishonouring him in his own home with such an awful song...
My search history must confuse the government something shocking after I do these snarks, seriously..
It goes on for a bit about how vain vikings apparently were and how rare it was for them to be fat because of it.
Weird, from my own (admittedly dusty) knowledge of vikings was that they tended to be rather average people and that their weight would heavily depend on how much food was available and what country they happened to be squatting in at the time.
But don't worry because our hero of this book doesn't care!
And apparently now three of his six brothers (half brothers because apparently vikings in this universe don't do the whole loyal wedding thing, granted studies vary on this fact but mostly from what I've read they tended to be monogamous unless population became an issue) have rocked up to his party and giving him shit about his fat, uncaring ways.
But not to worry! For Cnut doesn't care what these lackwits think of him! Yet he seems to spend quite a bit of time letting the narrator tell the audience this while not actually SHOWING us evidence of this fact.
Like the fact that he thinks his half brother Trond .. did not even have the strength to lift his cock for pissing, that he sat like a wrench on the privy hole.
These vikings clearly need to get out more, bloody hell...
His older brother got a skald (for those of you who don't play Skyrim, think warrior bard) to make up a quick song about Cnut...
Cnut is a brute
And a glutton, of some repute.
He is so fat that, when he goes a-Viking for loot,
He can scarce lift a bow with an arrow to shoot.
But when it comes to women-pursuit, None can refute
That Cnut can "salute" with the best of them,
Thus and therefore, let it be known
And this is a truth absolute,
Size matters
Not really, that would have made some sense! Instead Cnut laughs in sarcasm as the rest of the party laughs it up because apparently they're really drunk and haven't heard proper Skald work before.
But again, Cnut doesn't care because the brother (Vikar) who asked the Skald for the song is apparently filled with so much pride he reeks of self-love... And that Cnut should count himself lucky that the Skald didn't do the whole "if you spell Cnut different it changes how you look at him" joke because apparently Sandra doesn't do basic google searches on words to discover it's actually Germanic origin Kunta.
Cnut goes on to point out that Mockery was a game to the Norse and that while he happens to be the butt of most of them. He simply does not care!
I'm starting to think that this is a perfect example of the lady protesting far too bloody much.
Insert here way to many words putting this guy down, yapping on about how he's fat and rarely bathes because apparently he's too big for the tub (Fun fact, Vikings generally bathed once a week so she got this part right about him being different) though head lice avoids greasy hair so she loses points for pointing out that he has lice because he doesn't bathe.
Harek, Cnut's other step-brother who thinks of himself smarter than everyone else, is much more graceful of taking a joke when Cnut points out that his (Harek's) wife 'Dagne' is so fat that she waddles and farts every time she walks.
Cnut is just blowing me out of the water here with his class and social skills!
Especially since we learn that Cnut has yet to take a wife, even though he's 28 (so pretty bloody ancient, think around 50-60yrs today) and that the concubines... I think Sandra means prostitute here in which case...
Harald Fairhair passed a law that forbade prostitution and rape, punishable by being declared an outlaw (fredløs). He ordered all former prostitutes to be taken to the king's court (kongsgård), where they worked as thralls until they could pay a fine of three marks to restore their honour.
(source: Tormod Torfæus' Historia Rerum Norvegicarum)
Granted we have no idea what time this took place, but still!
But basically as long as Cnut had Food, drink and sex he ONCE FUCKING AGAIN did't care what others thought of him...
When his brothers make to leave 2 days later, Vikar points out that Cnut really should watch himself because his life of excess will be his downfall, Cnut proving to be the awful person that he is instead molests a passing camber maid telling her to be in his room so he can fall down with you for a bit of foreplay, whatever the fuck that's suppose to mean. His brothers shake their heads realising how much of a lost cause this idiot is before leaving.
Vikars words came back to haunt Vikar several months later, as he's riding a warhorse across the paddock. (insert random detour here about how he's too tall and heavy for normal horses and viking eating habits)
We also get an incredibly boring sidetrack about how Cnut's Steward seems to care more for Cnut's health and land than our hero viking. I'm skipping over it because BORING!
OH! Ok, so Cnut is an awful jarl as well as a person and viking! His Steward wants him to lower the taxes and open up the food stores because they've had a shit season and people are starting to starve.
Cnut argues that he can't do that because he needs the money to fund his personal army (the book calls them housecarls but WRONG!) and that he needs the food because he's a fat bastard who won't lower his eating standards to keep his own people alive!
The steward (Finn) points out that the people don't view him real nicely right now and an uprising could be in the near future.
Which is where the whole riding across the paddock thing comes back (no, there's no real transitions between anything either, yes, it is incredibly jarring)
ANYWAYS, people are spitting towards him and pointing out that if he skipped a meal a month they wouldn't all be starving and shit, leading me to wonder how he let it get this bad in the first place, since these things tend not to come out of nowhere..
Instead of learning anything from this, Cnut informs Finn to evict anyone who can't pay their taxes because he's trying to prove a point? I don't bloody know anymore...
By the time Autumn swings around Cnut realises that he might have done fucked up, as the harvest was bad and he had to bring in food just for the keep while people where dying in large numbers in the village. His horse also mysterious died and the carcass vanished making Cnut paranoid and posting extra guards around his stables and grain stores, bitching that no matter where he turned people where grumbling.
Then during dinner one night he leaves early because the people in the keep were judging him (if they were feasting with him, then they probably weren't suffering) thinking that he wasn't the one who brought on the drought and that they should blame the lazy farm hands or bad seeds. Not him! Not the jarl of these lands who did nothing to help!!
We now know its bad because he turned down an exciting board game he usually played and a women who winked at him in an inviting manner!
Holy Shit Guys! I think this might be serious!!
So he goes to the privy, bitching that his balls are cold and that the leaves used for wiping haven't been filled, before walking down a corridor and almost pissing himself because there is a stranger standing there with his arms folded.
OK, so I get what Sandra is going for here, a ruthless asshole who'll go through a transformation like Scrooge.. Only, right from the get go you knew Scrooge's motivation and some forms of the retelling (muppets for example) can make you feel slightly sorry for him even BEFORE the ghosts start fucking with him. Here? Cnut is a literally living up to his cunty name.
Anyways, the guy standing in front of him is noble of standing, well muscled (which if they're facing a food shortage this alone would have me mildly worried) and wears a white robe and crucifix around his neck (which alone probably would have earned him instant death) it also appears that he has wings.
-Deep breath- You're... You're not going to believe who this is...
It's apparently Saint Michael, yeah.. You know, head of God's angel's and all that has for SOME REASON! shown up to a VIKING of a DIFFERENT religion. WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK?!
Cnut for some strange reason seems to know what an Archangel is, and doesn't seem overly concerned when said Archangel appears to read his mind.
Wow, wish I had this sort of composer when faced with fucked up situations!
Cnut demands to know what Michael wants, Michael points out that Cnut is a massive sinner and that God is not pleased with him. Cnut asks which God he pissed off, asking if it was Odin or Thor.
EVEN THOUGH HE JUST MENTIONED THAT MICHAEL IS A CHRISTIAN BELIEF!
Ah! Of course he was referring to the Christian one-God. Vikings must follow the Old Norse religions but where well aware of the Christian dogma, and, in truth, many of them allowed themselves to be baptized just for the sake of expediency.
Uh... Yeah, no.. Like most religions Vikings had a rather all or nothing view on their belief. If Vikings ran out and got baptized than they wouldn't be welcome in Valhalla, and since Christian heaven is a lot like Viking hell I fail to see why they'd want to sign up for this.
Cnut then demands to know why he should care that Michaels God is displeased with him, thinking that he is an high jarl after all while wondering where his guards are, before thinking that they're in the great hall bitching about the lack of meat and that he's going to kick some arse because of this.
A) Why would guards be eating with the jarl
B) Why would guards be bitching about lack of food in a FUCKING FOOD SHORTAGE
C) Why do they not have a rotating roster so that there are always guards on patrol
D) Why would the jarl be kicking their arses? Shouldn't he just go to the head guard and make sure he rains fire and brimstone all over his charges?
Michael goes on about how Cnut should tend him well or he'll be sent to meet his maker, and that there are seven brothers and are guilty of one deadly sin, would Cnut like to guess which sin is his?
Cnut proving at this point that he should be a good contestant for all seven, argues that he worked hard to be were he is and can afford his lifestyle so why not?
Michael cracks the shits and shows Cnut images of that suffering he has caused by his greed (mostly people starving, nothing he already didn't know so not sure how this is going to change anything)
As I thought, Cnut shrugs it off. Saying that Michael would not be able to kill all of his siblings. Michael points out that they won't all die at once, and that some of his brothers have already been taken care of. Which Cnut is unsure of since he saw three of them a few pages back and hasn't hear of any deaths in his family.
Before admitting that they don't exactly live down the street and roads are hard to get through this time of year... I thought roads would be good up to winter, or does he live in an especially hard hold to get too...
Michael proving how good and just his God and beliefs are, goes on to threaten that he should throw Cnut down the privy and let him die in filth or let him starve to death in the garderobe (toilet or storeroom in medieval castles) like the serfs.
Cnut is quick to point out that Michael can't blame him for the lack of food since it's his God that has fucked them over. Michael pins him to the wall with angel magic, saying that the Vikings have grown too arrogant and brutish to live and will die out, but that Cnut and his brothers have been given a second chance...
YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID YOU WHERE THERE TO ENSURE THEY DIED!!!
FINE, Whatever, I'm almost done with this chapter so... MOVING ON!
Michael offers Cnut another chance at redemption by serving God for seven hundred years as a Vangel (Quick Google search had informed me that it's a shortened version of evangelist (for those not brushed up on the new testament, that means someone who'll convert others) ) to make up for his sins or die and suffer in hell.
Gonna have to say, that's a hard one for poor Cnut, because if God exists then technically HIS Gods might exist and this is all some sort of test and pissing off Odin would not be something on my to do list, on the other hand if Michael IS on the up and up this is chance I wouldn't want to miss... Maybe, but then again I'm not an obese viking who would have grown up in a completely different era to me.
Cnut can suddenly smell Brimstone and remembers that the Christian God has a habit of burning people who piss him off, his toes start getting warm and he's convinced that, that's exactly what it means and that he doesn't seem to have much of a choice ahead of him. He than demands to know what Vangel means, which unlike what google has informed me of, means someone who fights and kills Lucipire (demon vampires) who naturally work for Satan and spend their time on earth wondering around spreading evil.
Cnut goes on to show how intelligent he is, by agreeing to the deal before finding out exactly what a vampire is (The closest Vikings had were the Draugr, which were probably closer to zombies then vamps so kudos Sandra for getting that right)
So Michael lets Cnut go (he had him pinned against the wall with angel magic) and transforms him into a vampire, I might've missed it, but I do not actually remember that being part of the deal! In which case, BAD FORM!
Either way, Cnut goes through a painful and confusing (probably because he wasn't told) transformation into a vampire, angel, viking -Sigh-
Once it's done Michael leans forward and tells him the first thing that's going to happen is that he's going to go one a diet.
Now, see the way it's written in the book is the same way one might write it in script, I can imagine who that would play out, but at the same time it's jarring to actually read.
And so ends the prologue of this book, I'm actually seriously starting to worry about my health while snarking this...
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