The Angel Wore Fangs - Synopsis

Ok so I'm back from the dead! For those of you who don't follow my twitter or Facebook, for the past year I've been at TAFE learning all about how to work in the media industry. But since I've graduated and now have some actual time on my hands I'm back and with a new book because clearly I enjoy making life as difficult as possible!

Now, the back of this book made the rounds on Facebook which is how I became aware that this book exists. I've never read it before so I'm going in completely blind to make it slightly more interesting.

Now onto the snark! Going to start with the synopsis because this shit just has to be read to believe..

Once guilty of the deadly sin of gluttony, thousand-year-old-viking...

Wait... What? Sin... Viking... Gluttony...

Alrighty then, viking regligion 101! While they did actually exist during the same time as the Christians, unlike the Christians who had 'sins' in their religion to put the fear of God and hell into the populace. The vikings just had laws (basically don't be a total asshole and you'll be fine) so the first sentence, FIRST SENTENCE of this synopsis is complete and utter bullshit!

... Viking vampire angel...

... Are you, are you fucking serious?! If he's a viking how can he be an angel? If he's a angel how can he be a FUCKING VAMPIRE?!

... Cnut Sigurdsson is now a lean, mean, vampire-devil fighting machine. His new side-job? No biggie: just ridding the world of a threat called ISIS.....

... while keeping the evil Lucipires (demon vampires) at bay. So when Chef Andrea Stewart hires him to rescue her sister from a cult recruiting terrorists at a Montana dude ranch, vangle turns cowboy. Yeehaw!

I just... Words cannot describe how both idiotic and kinda epic this makes me feel. Like, yeah the plot sounds like total bullshit, but this guy sounds like such an epic Gary Stu that this can only end in many rage filled pages and alcoholism.

The too-tempting mortal insists on accompanying him, surprising Cnut with her bravery at every turn.

OH! So we have a Gary Stu AND a Mary Sue, this... This is going to break me isn't it?

But with terrorists stalking the ranch in demonoid form, Cnut teletransports (What?!) Andrea and himself out of danger-accidentally into the tenth-century Norselands. Suddenly, they have to find their way back to the future to save her family and the world..... and to satisfy their insatiable attraction.

Thanks Avon Books and Sandra Hill, this is going to kill me isn't it?