"ISIS? Why would any women in her right mind join that Militant group?" Andrea Stewart remarked skeptically into the cell phone she had propped between the crook of her ear and raised shoulder. Her hands were free to stir the chocolate ganache to be spread atop the Opera Cake she was preparing for tonight's dessert menu at Le Chic Sardine.
I legit can't think of a worst way to open this chapter, holy fuckballs, I'm bored already!
UUUGGGGHHH, it continues on about the goddamn cake! We also learn that this is taking place in Philadelphia. Right so Andrea is talking to her step-mum, who is bitching about the fact that Andrea's younger sister is now wearing a red burqa...
So I just did a quick google search, Burqas have to be either black or dark blue from what I can see, something to do with modesty. (Correct me if this is wrong)
Andrea is surprised by this as her sister was all about skimpy clothes before, the mother gets all borderline racist and says that she gets hot just looking at burqas and... Right, heat 101. Long sleeves, pants and covered face act as shade basically. So as along as it's loose clothing you'll actually be cooler dressed head to toe, then if you were walking around in nothing but budgie smugglers. The only time I've seen this not work is when you live in humidity (which sadly enough I do) because well... It's humid, no matter what you wear you feel like you've just gotten out of the shower and not in a 'oh that was a cool refreshing break' type either.
Whatever, Andrea then mentally tells us that Philadelphia is going through an unusual heatwave, but someone called Darla would have the AC running, she then wonders if Darla is having menopause at 45... But, you just said it's hot, why wouldn't she have the AC running full blast?
Andrea did a mental Snoopy dance of glee. There is a God! But that was nasty. Darla didn't mean to be such and insensitive dingbat. She was just clueless.
What the hell is going on? Darla is her step-mum? Ok, that's sorted.. But why is Andrea doing a happy snoopy dance because she might have menopause? Is she eagerly awaiting for this women to die? Pleased she can't have more kids? What is happening?!
Andrea is apparently against tattoos and piercings, as she comments that Celie (sister) has 17 tattoos at her last count (her first tat was a tramp stamp at 13, keep up the classiness Sandra) and a bunch of ear, facial and possibly elsewhere piercings. She keeps bitching that Celie wasn't thinking when she got all this done and that she's on a continual quest to find herself.
Wow, this is a lot of shitting all over a character we'll probably never even meet. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!
We then learn that Darla was 35 when she married Andrea's 50yr old father (Howard) Andrea was 14 at the time and Celie was 4. All riveting stuff let me tell you.
Andrea now moves to shitting all over Darla who is a Zumba instructor with no parenting skills and clearly thought she'd landed a sugar daddy when she met their father, a successful stockbroker. who was brilliant when it came to the market and dumb as a Dow Jones clunker when it came to women.
She then goes on to point out that Darla probably didn't realise that her gravy train came with two kids who were you know, kids and made her life oh so hard and stuff.
We then learn it's only 9am, the restaurant doesn't open till 5pm, but the other workers will be trailing in soon and Andrea needs to get off the phone and back to work.
Wait, wait... What sort of restaurant needs 8hrs of prep done before it opens?! Goddamn get your shit in order.
Andrea asks how Darla knows it's actually Celie in the video if her face is covered, Darla response that Celie sent her the video (Or she thinks it was from Celie... What?) where she's going on about Allah, how evil the USA is, yadda yadda.
"... She has black eyebrows. What is her natural hair colour, anyway? Oh, that's right. Blonde, like yours"
Holy fuck is that hamfisted, also what's with the comma abuse?! Did I pick up a LKH book by mistake or something?
Celie is average height and has curves, Andrea is genetically thin, doesn't gain weight and if she didn't work with calories she'd probably fade out of existence. Ugh.
Celie changes her hair colour and style constantly, Andrea has had the same ponytail since high school, Celie is adventurous, Andrea doesn't even like rollercoasters, Celie has many lovers in her 19yrs, Andrea has had two in 29. Celie is always travelling, Andrea is a workaholic who wants to open her own pastry shop You know, all the usual WAH I'M SO DIFFERENT AND BORING AND PREFECT thing Mary Sues are fond of.
Seriously, how did we go from Vikings to this?
Blah blah, Andrea points out that she thought Celie was in Jamaica and signed up to some cult involving being half naked and thinking that world peace will follow global warming (... What?)
Darla replies that, that was last year.
Andrea casually thinks that Celie is one for joining cults, but you know, the harmless ones.
This year Celie has a boyfriend, Darla points out that he's A-rab (not sure why it's spelt this way) Or maybe he's Mexican or Egyptian as they all look the same to her. Wow.
We then learn his name is Kahlil, like the poet Kahlil Gibran and that Darla loves his poems. Andrea thinks that talk to her step-mum is like trying to catch popcorn from an unlidded pot. Here, there, all over the place.
Kahlil Ajam attended some dinner party Howard threw for some big client of his, I'm skipping all the random tangents Darla goes on, I get what Sandra is trying to do here. But holy hell is it annoying to read, and I don't think anyone is really that easily distracted, but whatever.
Kahlil was apparently all uptight because alcohol was being served.. Because he can't understand that not everyone follows his beliefs?
Whatever, he talked Celie into coming with him to Montana to check out a Muslim 'church' called "Circle of light"
Turns out Darla hired a PI to follow them, Andrea's boss walks into the kitchen and seems pretty chilled that her employee is chatting on the phone instead of actually working, Andrea holds up five fingers to indicate that she'll be off soon and that Darla apparently has no issue with calling her multiple times during her shift or something... OH so the boss attended culinary school with Andrea and they're friends ok.
Andrea tells Darla that she has to go, but can drop by later if Darla wants to fill her in without the rude interruptions of unimportant things like work and such.
Andrea hangs up and Sonja (her boss) grins and asks what the evil step mum has done this time to get her riled up.
She's riled up? Seemed mildly irritated at most from Darla having the attention span of a 8wk old puppy, but hardly 'riled up'
Andrea casually tells her that Celie has gone to a dude ranch in Montana and signed up with a cult that has ties to ISIS, you know... Nothing to get worried about or whatever, those wacky 19 year olds and their terrorist obsession. Pah.
Andrea randomly wonders if you can even ride a horse in a robe, and isn't it weird that ISIS is recruiting out of a DUDE ranch (Uh... They're not really recruiting OUT of the ranch, they're clearly brainwashing them there you moron) and that clearly Darla wants her to ride to the rescue and save the day.
I love how put out she seems by this, like Celie just broke down a state over and needs someone to pick her up or something. Also, also, aren't you a pastry chief? What does she expect you to do? Kill them via cake or something?
Ugh, whatever. Chapter is over, this book might actually be harder to get through then Anita Blake, at least they can be funny in their badness, this... This is just bad, painfully bad.
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